By popular demand, I am happy to announce that I have opened up shop for astrological phone consulations. Again, the system that I use is based on sidereal astrology and uses certain Vedic astrology elements along with Western interpretations. The result is something more accurate than traditional astrology in terms of timing of events, and a bit more spiritually and karmically focused.

My rates are $101.75/hour, $51.75/half hour, payable by PayPal. E-mail me to set up appointments. Be prepared to give me your date, time and location of birth before our consulation. Remember, if the time is not accurate I will not be able to give you accurate events timing. You can also receive (via snail mail) a copy of your chart in the Vedic system, upon request.

Cheers & Namaste,
STL

Let’s say that a ‘mind fuck’ occurs when someone penetrates your mind with the force of an urgent phallus, leaving you conquered and perplexed, unable to do much else than dumbfoundedly smoke the proverbial cigarette. Using this expression as a baseboard, a ‘mind tease’ could potentially yield much more painful results. In this case, your mind has been aroused in some way, yet is left there without being fully satisfied. The nerve endings of your mind are thus tugged at a bit but not enough to give you a satisfying mental rush. The ensuing result of this state is…well…mental blue balls…the pain of lack of intellectual/creative fruition.

It is in this state that writers devour the eraserheads of their pencils. We make numerous long distance phone calls. We write on our arms and hands…anything to stop that pounding silence.

So, what is the solution? It’s tough to say when one (meaning me), is in its throes. Goal oriented answers don’t flow easily in this tortured state. Let’s, for a moment, turn to the real world for the answer. What did all those boys in high school do when they were afflicted by an actual case of blue balls? (a frequent ailment among men in this age group–the women usually suffered from tease-itis, which, when contracted by a male was expressed in the afforementioned testicular disorder). The solution was of course for them to take matters into their own hands, literally.

In the case of the mind, is mental masturbation a good idea, and what exactly does it entail? Does it lead to a bade case of sollipsism or simply induce hair growth? I would say that this BLOG entry is a prime example of an excercise in mental masturbation. I will pursue other self-help escapades on my own and let you know if the result cures my mental blue balls.

Forget all the New Age/psychobabble about discovering your Inner Child. A much more vital step in social development focuses on discovering your Inner Pig. In case this new nomenclature is not immediately identifiable to you, let me explain. The Inner Pig is that part of you that lies dormant most of the time during regular polite social intercourse. One day, when you least expect it–unleashed by some personal trigger–the Inner Pig leaps out of its pen and runs amok in your social yard. Suddenly, everyone can see you for the perverted, sleazy, unbridled maniac that you really are. It is this flash of insight that we all try so hard to conceal from our friends and lovers. For in this moment, we are downgraded to something akin to the abandoned lust child of Al Goldstein and Robin Byrd.

Some are so cautious about guarding the confines of their Pig pen that you may, thankfully, never ever experience their Inner Pig. Others are fully unaware of the truffle-sniffing beast within and will inadvertantly unleash the Pig after just a couple of drinks. The trigger is completely tailored to that specific person’s fetish or sexual alignment. One friend who I shall call, “Trixy,” admits that her Inner Pig starts to snort at the trough when she spots young toffee skinned men or surfers. I recently saw a perfectly respectable, educated guy expose his Inner Pig to me after a few drinks and a sighting of a young Asian immigrant woman. Personally, my Inner Pig, is at the moment triggered by older men who have a Marlborough Man vibe.

Which ever way you look at it, the Inner Pig is a frightening, ugly sight. Depraved and often frothing at the mouth, it divulges to people just how scuzzy you can get when given the right stimulus. One important thing to note is that an Outer Pig may not necessarily be disgusted by the Inner Pig. The Outer Pig is a person who resides in this gross state in everyday life. He/she may be pleasantly surprised to learn of the existence of your Inner Pig; whereas most people see it as a frightening glimpse into a person’s potential to be a shameless and desperate perv.

Like it or not, the Pig resides within all of us. Occasionally, we have to allow it to run around outside its pen and interact with people. But we must watch out how soon we introduce this perverted pet to our cohorts. The Inner Pig, when brought out too soon and under unexpected circumstances, can quickly become, quite simply bacon. And for us Angelenos, always eager to stay trim, that’s something we’ll never have on our breakfast tables.

This is my sidereal astrology column. It deals with the actual astronomical location of the planets as opposed to using a fixed cycle (as Western Tropical astrology does). To make things simple (since last month’s may have been a bit complicated for most of you non-astro types): if you were born at the beginning of a given sun sign read the horoscope for the sign before yours (for example, you were born July 30th and you’re an ‘early’ Leo, so read Cancer). If you were born towards the end of your sun sign just go ahead and read that sign. Right in the middle? Read the sign before yours.

ARIES
This month I want you to meditate on the powerful image of the creator/destroyer Shiva. Much like the androgynous looking Hindu divinity you are poised to transform yourself through death. Don’t worry, I’m not reading the lyrics off an old Slayer album, my advice is of a much more bittersweet and ultimately rewarding nature. You must first face and then kill an old part of yourself and three weeks into the month you will feel a phoenix rising from those ashes. This is the harbinger for a new trend that will become apparent over the course of the next few months. You will feel increasingly secure with yourself. This can be a deep, internal security or something of a more tangible financial nature. Either way, it’s time to let out your inner Shiva.

TAURUS
In times of upheaval and change, I often refer to the great rock & roll wisdom of The Rolling Stones: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need.” You may want to make this phrase your computer’s wallpaper this month as you come head to head with some issues in the romance department that may at first drive you crazy. I predict either a breakup of a relationship or a relationship reaching that midway point and becoming serious. Either way, something has to give. You may end up compromising a lot or just letting go. Something will change in order to clear the path (or create the path) for totally overwhelming changes in your life that will transpire in the coming months. In short, to semi-quote Queen, “it will, it will rock you!”

GEMINI
Watch out before you turn the corner, you may just run into that old friend from high school who taunted you about your mullet cut. The next time you head to the grocery store to buy a pack of smokes, your ex-girlfriend’s sister could surprise you with her presence. Mercury retrograde is in full effect and so is your house of friendships. There is still a thing or two you can learn from your past and old friends will show up to punctuate this. Be very aware and do not perceive anything as a coincidence. It is all there to teach you something about yourself in the grand scheme of things. You will see this more clearly in the coming months as you enter into a much more contemplative and profound phase.

CANCER
It’s time for Cancerians to go Back to the Future. As the cheesy 80’s flick I’m referencing indicates, sometimes you need to search your past for that golden morsel that is at the core of who you are. If you do this now, you are likely to find way more than a nerdy, creepy father and an overly libidinous mother. People, projects and places from the past will spark your creativity and dazzle your world in numerous ways. This will in turn affect your work life for the best, especially towards the end of the month, when communications are friendly and lucrative deals can be sealed with great verbal finesse. And just when you’re reaping the first fruits of your creative/work endeavors next month, a whole new ‘crowd’ will come into your life and share their warmth, perspectives and connections with you.

LEO
Get ready for some big changes on the home front. Unlike Martha Stewart you won’t take everyone else’s financial splendor down with you. It’s positive upward mobility for you all the way. What may seem like an inconvenience (refinancing, remodeling, moving or some other change in your domestic situation) will actually be very positive in the long run. Stay focused on domestic issues for now because there are definitely loose ends that need tying up. In the coming weeks career opportunities will knock, big time, and send you out of the home, back into that frenetically paced work world, where you will play head honcho, as it should be.

VIRGO
Every time you open your mouth does your foot seem to leap into it? It sure doesn’t seem like you’re able to communicate much this month without babbling and stuttering. Maybe that’s because you’ve been approaching communication from the wrong angle. In the words of the great Olivia Newton John, “There’s nothing left to talk about, except horizontally, let’s get physical.” Indeed, that bandana must have imbued the Aussie with great powers of foresight for you Virgos. Express yourself in a physical way and you will be fluid with the universe. This may be a new thing for you uber-mental beings but as time passes you will begin to see the wisdom of getting to know your sexual side, instead of gorging your over-stuffed intellect.

LIBRA
You’re right where you want to be right now, Libra…in the relationship zone. The only thing that may be a tad irritating is that you can’t seem to get a new one started but ex’es seem to be cropping up everywhere you go. This is for good reason. It’s building up your security. You’re remembering how desirable you have been in the past and you’re just about to let all that go in favor of a much more profound and soul-fulfilling affair that will undoubtedly occur in the early summer. Get ready to abandon all romantic ideals that have fueled your relationships in the past. This one will shake you to the core. It may come in an unlikely form, as a dark and sordid affair perhaps, but its lessons to you are indispensible.

SCORPIO
You start the month trying hard to get things in order but feeling like you’re absurdly running in place as if you’re Falco in the “Der Komissar” video. A piece of advice, you can get off the treadmill and still retain your retro sensibilities. In fact, you will be more successful in organizing your life and getting things done if you focus on things that needed to be done two months ago. Put your past in order and the future will follow. By mid-month, the level of intensity goes up about ten notches and you suddenly feel that all eyes are on you. Feel loved and not pressured and you’ll make it through the insanity. By month’s end you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. And if you can glide through until next month, when big changes start to solidify you might find yourself gliding in tandem with a certain special someone.

SAGITTARIUS
You may feel like a clone of yourself this month…well not exactly. You’re just of two minds when it comes to your creativity. On the one hand, you’re loaded with ideas and schemes that are just waiting to hatch. Waiting is the operative word, because your clone is kind of puttering around aimlessly wondering how in God’s name he/she is going to proceed with the orchestration of these plans. Fear, not, all these ideas will remain carefully tucked away until the time is ripe for their release. That will occur within a month. So enjoy ruminating in your fantastical world of thought because eventually, not too long from now, all this will pay off.

CAPRICORN
Home Sweet Home is wear the heart begins to beat early on this month. It is a time to drudge up all past issues domestic and contend with them. Whatever you’ve been sweeping under the welcome mat in the past month will be carried by a gust of wind and reappear in your house. By mid-month you may feel increasingly tense as a result of this and seek comfort with an old group of friends who will help you make nice with your demons. Tensions are greatly abated at the end of the month as you enter a new phase of sociability and creativity. The lighthearted awaits you if you decide to embark on spring cleaning and get rid of those skeletons in your closets.

AQUARIUS
The fax machine’s out of paper, your computer’s crashed for the tenth time today and your cell phone always seems to be out of range. Despite all these communication glitches, I know you’ll keep your cool, Aquarius, that’s what you’re all about. Amidst all this mind-bending mayhem is a source of peace and order. It’s waiting for you in the form of a new purpose, job or project that will become apparent by mid-month. This ripe situation will lead to other great changes in your life, namely in your domestic situation. Expect a move to a new apartment or city or perhaps a simple remodeling.

PISCES
Get out your checkbook because it’s time to start paying for some past due karma or actual incurred debts. You may feel like you’ve gone through all this before but this is the last pay-out for a while, then you can rest your laurels through the summer. As the first two weeks of the month drag on you’ll find yourself unexpectedly inspired or energized by new beliefs or philosophies. Call it a spiritual epiphany or just a drop of gold from the end of the rainbow, but someone will stir up that pot and reinvigorate you. This splash of luck is preparing you for a new phase that will unfold over the coming months. You will become increasingly more outward, communicative and intellectual. The water will part as you enter new mental and physical territory. Short term trips are imminent.