In the gutter, looking at the stars…

ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
Weird thoughts are cropping up in that big head of yours faster than you can say, “Thank you Sir, may I please have another.” That’s because, Mars has been charging through your house of subconscious fantasies. Of that whole mish-mosh of pervertedly pleasing ideas, one will stand out: service. That’s right, this is the month to totally go against your usually self-centered inclinations and put yourself in the back seat and please someone else. I promise you that if you devote September to fulfilling the pleasures of your partner first and foremost, October will be a most harmonious month. In all likelihood, a fling from your past may resurface and give you a chance to explore it in a different way. If you choose to go the old path and push that person down on his or her knees you’re looking at a long period of stagnation. If, on the other hand, you embrace change, and your closet Geisha, you will be liberated from a situation, psychological state or person that has been binding you for quite some time.

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
If you’ve ever wanted to swing like Bob, Ted, Carol and Alice, this is your month to do it. September favors friends and group activities. In sexual astrology terms that could mean one of several things. An innocent back rub with a friend could lead to taking care of other itches that need scratching. You could meet a lover through a friend. Or, if you’re an adventurous type, you could end up saying, “the more the merrier” and inviting an extra person or two into your bedroom. All of this will accessible to you on the between the 8th and 12th of the month. Be very cautious though in establishing boundaries and clarifying intentions when it comes to these kind of lovemaking activities or someone could end up getting hurt. Since communication is at an all-time low this month, with Mercury going retrograde, that’s likely to be your only stumbling block. Your best bet for these group escapades is to set up a safe environment for them in your home. This is where you’ll play best and set up your passion salon.

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
Poor Gemini, you never can seem to make up your mind. Which is it this month, dom or sub?Sadist or Masochist. Well, there’s no reason it can’t be BOTH! September sees you in full ’switch’ mode. It is, after all, in your true nature. There will be moments when there is nothing more appealing than giving up control, allowing your lover to completely focus pleasure on you as you learn the art of letting go. Then, like sexual musical chairs, you’ll find yourself sitting in the opposite position, unleashing the power of pleasure on some sweet unsuspecting victim of your affections. Life will be all too confusing for the partner who expects you to behave one way straight through. A tip: do all of your switching on the homefront in September. Spruce up your boudoir and get ready to sexually nest. By doing this, you’re essentially creating a safe space where anything can (and will) happen. And you might do well with keeping some massage oil on one bedside table and shackles on another. Just a thought.

CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Sex has been and always will be about emotional security for you. Ruled by the sentimental moon, you’re just not inclined to undress until you’ve dressed those age-old wounds. With Mercury retrograde this month in your security sector be prepared to deal with past issues, in the bedroom. And there’s no better way to confront old demons than to slay them with some good old-fashioned role-playing. It’s infinitely more therapeutic than sitting around in your home lamenting and feeling sorry for yourself. Start with this rudimentary exercise: don your stethoscope and literally play the role of a doctor. Examine your patient (your lover) with strong, probing healing hands and a willingness to cure his/her ailments Explore every crevice and orifice until you have managed to fully identify the problem. Doctors are, of course, paid handsomely for your services and you too will be rewarded with sheer pleasure and absolution. If this seems too basic for you, and you’re up for something out of the ordinary, the stars will also work with you to create the perfect playground for some Tantric or spiritual sensual escapades. Playing the shaman/medicine man will also prove spiritually and physically elevating.

LEO
(July 23-August 22)
Once upon a time there was a powerful marquis who lived in a grandiose castle with many servants and devoted followers. In the dungeon of the castle the Marquis held captive powerless love slaves whose sole purpose in life was to obey. This story may feel a tad antiquated but with Mercury retrograde in your house of self and a full moon in your house of forbidden pleasures, it looks like you’ll be reviving one of your old familiar roles again-the dominant. With a pure knack for shackling others to your bed and shouting naughty expletives at them, your greatest inclinations this month will be to possess and dominate your lover. With Mars’ potent action (through November), you will find yourself blowing of the volcanic tension in the most wicked of ways. Sex toys may figure heavily into these war games as that urge to possess flows into your pocketbook as well. Be careful about spending too much money. Remember, the back of a hairbrush works just as well as any pricey Cat O’ Nine Tails import.

VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
Despite your inclinations towards ‘going solo’ this month, you’d be better off integrating your lavish masturbatory practices into your sexual relationships with others-an area which has been dominating your life these days. Lately there’s been enough tension and attention in your partnership sector to bring a Buddhist monk to climax. To top it all off, your succulent imagination is whipping up all sorts of fantasies and secret taboos that you’d like to live out but are having trouble expressing to your partner. Some of these things may make you uncomfortable in that they are forcing you to face a different “you” in that mirror above your bed. Perhaps you never envisioned yourself dressed as a cop and being flogged with a cane. Or maybe you’re not the type to buy and use an elaborate Shanghai sling or harness. Whatever it is that’s eating away at the recesses of your psyche, do as that old incarnation of Madonna once advised, ‘Express yourself, don’t repress yourself.’ No worries if you’re not exactly feeling verbal this month (retrogrades seldom help in this area); just go ahead and don that police badge and arrest your lover.

LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
This month you Librans will weigh the options: form or function? Despite your usual knack for coming up with a balance, function will win the battle. That means your normally elaborate bedroom behavior may be on hiatus, in favor of the likes of more practical techniques. For instance, you might be ready to fling the Kama Sutra in the fireplace rather than risk complicating matters with all those over-the-top and awkward positions. If you’ve previously thrown caution to the wind, this will be the month of the condom. Doing it in a bed will definitely tickle your fancy more than a clandestine vertical perch in a dark alleyway. Don’t fight it, Libra. It’s teaching you how to not just survive with less pageantry, but to embrace the quiet thrills of sexual Construcitvism-fetishizing or eroticizing that which seems basic and predictably structured. And for someone whose sexual taste usually veer in the direction of flowery Rococo, it could be a great lesson.

SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Put on your hard hat and tool belt, Scorpio, because September is the month of the build-up for you. It begins following a new moon in your house of friendships, signaling that your ability to be a social butterfly will aid in getting you laid, so get out there, home deliveries are not an option. Just before and around mid-month, this great build up will surge with climactic urgency. You know what that means. Some mind-blowing sex is in the cards for you. With the full moon in emotional Pisces this could mean intense and very gushing sex. All your energy has been focused on sex and fun for the past couple of months and it now seems to be ready to erupt like Old Faithful. The lava could flow in a couple of directions, depending on your mental state. If you’re secure, it will only increase your potency and power in the sack. If you’re harboring some doubtful energy, your orgasm could release a flow of tears. Either way, there’s sex magic in the air and you’ll soon be the alchemist who is able to transform it into just about anything.

SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
September is a safe month for you Sag’s. It’s unlikely to find you naked in a bar wearing a lampshade. You’ll probably derive great sexual pleasure (read: emotional pleasure) from acts that lean a bit more towards the straight and narrow. Normally, the members of your tribe are inclined towards the exotic-you’re the one who’d get caught doing it in the great wide open. But this month you’ll want to keep your expressions of lust in your home. Similarly, with a new moon in sober Virgo, straightforward, missionary style sex will appeal. If you’ve got other, flightier signs in your personal chart, this could also take on the form of psychologically thrilling sex-in other words, sex that’s taboo or deals with past unresolved issues. Either way, put on your house slippers (and not much else), it’s time to explore the mysterious world of homespun, kinkless sex. And that, for a born adventurer like you, could be the most exotic surprise of them all.

CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
You’re usually known as the Rock of Gibraltar of the zodiac. But this month, Cap, get ready for seismologically significant changes to, uh, well, rock your world. Your horizons are about to expand as dramatically as a flaccid penis on Viagra. With the new moon in the sparkling ninth house, you’ll never be the same again. Whatever your fears were, you can leave them at the front desk. In facing them and all the things you thought were beyond your grasp, your sex life is about to be a ten on the Richter’s. Whether it’s multiple orgasms, exotic foreign partners, staying power or just simply trying something new, you’ll be surprised by the developments that this month brings. Part of this is ushering its way into your life in preparation for the big changes that will occur when an eclipse in November comes knocking on the door of your house of secrets, subconscious and psyche. The rest has to do with a desire to communicate that seems to be welling up in you. Tell your lover what you need and want. You just won’t be able to hold anything back this month.

AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
This month would be a good time to listen to Prince’s early single, “Dirty Mind.” It will be your funky theme for the weeks ahead. With a new moon in your kinky eighth house in a fellow heady sign (Virgo), powers of mental suggestion and psychological thrills will abound. The most likely scenario is that you’ll find yourself going through a laundry list of sexual skits or dirty talk that taps into issues of security. There will be a notable push-pull between freedom and security and this will be reflected in your naughty lingo and behavior. Tie your lover up, or better yet, allow yourself to let go of all of that fear and be tied up. Of all the signs in the zodiac, yours is the most frightened of being tied down by commitment. This very act would make the statement to your psyche that you are strong enough and secure enough to embrace that very deepest phobia. In all likelihood, a partner from your past will come into your life to remind you of this, or to play these games with you.

PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
This month you’ll be dousing yourself with more than a dab of Mojo perfume. You will absolutely radiate white-hot sexual energy. With a new moon planting a seed in your partnership house and a full moon and Mars in your sign emotions will run wild, and this is the way you like it, my emotional Pisces friend. Expect to scream, moan and even shed a few tears of lustful gratitude during the sex act in September. Like a good little Tantra master, you will be completely and utterly present, focused on every tremble, flutter and wave of pleasure that crops up. In a sense, September marks your sexual rebirth. You’ll be more than willing to try anything that your partner suggests while tempering that familiar submission with your own ideas and needs. Keep this harmonious interplay going on through the month and you can expect major breakthroughs in even deeper, more intimate sex in October.