Ok, so this holiday season was a mess and there was no way to Wabi Sabi my way out of it. The year was crazy too. I’ve traveled to France, Barcelona, Kauai and San Francisco. And then of course there were travels into different territory on the domestic front.

It’s traditional to have the resolutions or wish list but now I’m going to take it a step further and create a list of things I appreciated about the year. As my fortune cookie tonight said:
“Live for today. Remember the past. Plan for tomorrow.”

2003:
-The birth of my web site
-My web site saving me from compromising my article “Art Imitates Life Science” to a magazine that had limited scope (and ultimately went under)
-My amazing girl friends (the fab 4) who saw me through so much
-My father’s 70th in Kauai and of course both of my incredible parents
-Getting to experience a relationship different than any I’ve had before, knowing we gave it our best shot + it was good while it lasted
-Shifting my idea of writing to encompass the realm of television comedy
-The joy of gardening and domesticity
-Getting to experience dog-sitting Buck, an extraordinary canine
-Reconnecting and resolving any lingering ties to Amsterdam
-Learning to live impeccably
-The realization that the more I think I know, the more I don’t know at all

2004:
-Learning the art of balance
-Keeping my perspective fresh and open
-Traveling more
-Seeing the best in people with no expectations
-Having lighter moments
-Reinventing myself as a person first, and then as a writer
-Compromising while staying true to my values
-Sharing love with those who share my vision and being decent and tolerant to those who don’t

There exist two modern archetypes (or cliches, which ever way you choose to look at them) of male evasive behavior (i.e. male being afraid of himself but blaming another for his dysfunctions). It’s pretty much fight or flight. So, in the realm of fitting into one of two categories (which about 98% of men do), the choice exists between being the ‘Freebird’ or ‘The Rock.’ There are those who escape to a mountaintop in Tibet or go on tour with their band and proudly proclaim that no human can ‘cage’ them (Though, who really wants to? That’s their own phobia…). They are free to roam the Earth (and to grow old alone, high-fiving their buddies from their wheelchairs in the ‘home,’ their last images of life on Earth). The other, more passive/agressive option is ‘The Rock.’ In this situation, the man represents himself as an impenetrable fortress (whether that has anything to do with homophobic fear of being ‘taken’ and emasculated is debatable). The Rock is so ’strong’ (in reality weak and petrified of facing his own personal limitations, and the changing currents of life) that he isolates himself from love and companionship. He hides his true face for he deems himself ugly and unlovable.

In short, the ‘Freebird’ is the mercurial wanderer who never quite finds himself–the eternal child. ‘The Rock’ is the calcified old man who dies and shrivels up in his own armor.

Below are the song lyrics to these classic archetypal tunes. Which are you?

I AM A ROCK by Simon & Garfunkel

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don’t talk of love,
Well, I’ve heard the word before.
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

FREEBIRD by Lynard Skynard

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me
For I must be traveling on now
There’s too many places I’ve got to see
If I stay here with you girl
Things just couldn’t be the same
‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Oh, and the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows I can’t change
Bye-bye babe, it’s been sweet, love
‘Though this feeling I can’t change
But please don’t take this so badly
‘Cause Lord knows I’m to blame
But if I stay here with you girl
Things just couldn’t be the same
‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Oh, and the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows I can’t change
Lord help me I can’t change
Oh No, I can’t change

My friend Dennis maintains, looking around the spiritually and culturally challenged town of LA, that most people are asleep, or not conscious. He then goes on in a way that I tell him is spiritually snobby. I instead have always maintained that everyone has a depth to them, something spectacular inside them waiting to blossom when it is touched by the right experience or person. It’s happened to me many times over as I’ve had the fortune to encounter amazing people in my life and draw to myself incredible experiences that have greatly expanded my scope.

But as the year draws to a close (and really I mean the Mayan year–the new calendar round 1 Imix starts Tuesday), I am beginning to see the falliability of my ways. I’m an idealist through and through and perhaps that’s been my greatest downfall. Perhaps people are no more than what we see them to be (the surface interpretation: a yuppie, a fuck-up, a hippie, an overachiever). I am beginning to think that whatever I think I ’see’ in people is just a projection of my own fertile imagination and some cosmic maternal instinct to nurture someone into adulthood.

Time and experience have proven to me that there are few people willing to rise to the occasion of living. That may sound simplistic, but it’s true. What we think of as living–buying a house, a big television set, a car, having a steady job, hanging out with our friends, making more money so we can buy more things that never REALLY make us happy–these are just skimming the surface. It’s the doorway, NOT the kingdom. But, as Dennis says, most people are asleep. They prefer a simple, SMALL existence that they falsely maintain ‘control’ over to the vast unknown, the unfathomable beauty and inexplicable truth of the way things really are in this multi-layered quantum consciousness existence.

It’s the saddest realization to have, when you’ve been a die-hard idealist that people are born into their misery by means of metaphysical DNA. If someone’s world is small and if they don’t have a propensity to seize life by the balls, guess what, chances are they never will. Their tiny existence will be nothing better than that of a cow’s who sits in the field eating and shitting, not aware that it’s fodder for tomorrow’s slaughter.

[Special thanks to Dennis Mason for helping develop this funny little parable]
There once was a little girl named, Marigold, who lived with her father and little brothers in a small village. The girl’s mother had died a few years back and her father was never quite the same after that. He grew serious and contemplative and rarely laughed or shared in lighthearted fun. Christmas time was no longer a time of joy and renewal.

Marigold wished that laughter and light would return to their house and instead of living in the past, everyone could look forward to new vistas and experiences. One day, she was out buying milk at the marketplace. On her way back she encountered the town Fool. She had seen him before but never spoken to him. Today was different. Christmas was near and she felt hopeless so she listened to his manic rants. At one point he stopped and stared at her and asked, “What’s wrong? I see it on your face.” Marigold told her story to the Fool. His quizzical stare quickly metamorphosed into an impish smile. His gaze became distant and magical as he told her, “There is a patch of land about ten minutes from here by foot. It used to belong to an old man named Lerner. He planted loads of Christmas trees there but died before he saw them mature to more than a foot high. The legend is that the trees were magical wishing trees. You can chop any one down and take it with you for free.”

Marigold was enthralled by his tale. She begged the Fool to take her there and help her get a tree. “This tree will bring happiness, laughter and love to my house again, I know it.” So they set out for the patch and sure enough, about ten minutes later they found it. Just as the Fool predicted, little sappling tree after little sappling tree confronted them–about thirty trees in all. “This one! I know this is the one,” she said pointing to a particularly wan looking tree in the center. And so the Fool carefully extracted it for her cautious not to destroy the roots. “Oh, I heard you’re supposed to plant it,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.

Marigold took the tree home with her. It was small enough that she could practically cradle it in her arms and at one point she did and tears of joy ran down her face, hitting the needles and the roots of her newfound green gift.

“Father, Father,” she stammered excitedly entering her house, “Look at this beautiful tree I got us for Christmas.” Her father patted her on the back, took a look at the tree and smiled weakly. “Thank you Marigold, we can put it here in the living room so your brothers can also enjoy it.” Satisfied, Marigold set the tree down and set about decorating it with berries and such.

The next day, not much had changed at the house, but there was an unexpected knock at the door. Marigold’s father opened it and saw Miss Piggisham standing there. She was the town do-gooder, a jolly-faced older woman who oftened sponsored church charities and town activities. With her son gone off to war she had little to occupy herself with so she spent her time nosing into other people’s business. Her intentions were always “good.” This time, she felt sorry for Marigold’s father, having lost his wife. She was also aware that he wasn’t getting as much work in his carpentery business and that he had little money. From behind her plump figure she pulled out a Christmas tree about double the size of Marigold’s. This one was ornately decorated with the most expensive ornaments and even had a bright glowing star on top. “Merry Christmas to you and your family. I thought you could use this.”

The tree was certainly beautiful. Marigold’s father thanked her profusely and placed it in the living room of the house next to Marigold’s. When Miss Piggisham was gone the family sat in there to enjoy the sight of the new tree. “Wow, it’s beautiful,” said her brother Gregory. “I can’t believe she brought it,” marvelled Damian. Marigold’s face dropped. Before Miss Piggisham had shown up she had thought her tree to be the most beautiful in the world. Now it looked sad, crooked, tiny and weak by comparison. Feeling emotion welling up in her she ran out of the house and through the streets aimlessly….Until she ran right into the Fool. Tears caked her little face and the Fool asked, “What’s wrong? Didn’t your family love the tree?” She told him yes, at first they did but explained how Miss Piggisham’s tree had dwarfed hers.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” asked the Fool. “You’re going to plant that tree in back of your house.” Suddenly she stopped crying. She thanked him and went home.

In the coming weeks Marigold forgot about her sadness and decided to enjoy both trees, though her brothers and father mostly paid attention to Miss Piggisham’s. One day her father came in and said, “I suppose it’s time to get rid of the trees now. They’re getting dry and the holidays have long been over.” Marigold, remembering her promise to the Fool, quickly grabbed her tree and asked her father not to take it away. She went to the back of their house, found a big chunk of empty land and proceeded to plant the tree.

It was a cold winter and after planting day, Marigold was rarely outside. Then came Spring and something had changed. One day, Marigold’s father brought a beautiful woman named Florinda home for dinner. She was kind and patient and loved the children. She took time to help Marigold style her hair, and often helped Gregory and Damian with their arithmetic. In time she became a great friend and mother figure to them. And after a year or so she married Father. Laughter had truly returned to the house.

One day Florinda and Marigold (who was now fifteen) were having one of their long talks. Marigold asked, “What’s it like to be in love?” Florinda tried to explain but everytime she did it just made Marigold laugh.

Within the next few months, another family had started work building a house next door. Marigold was curious about the family. Her father had talked to the male head of their household but Marigold had yet to meet any of them. On a bright, hot day, Florinda made lemonade and asked Marigold to bring it outside to the family next door. Marigold brought the tray out back. She looked around and the first thing she noticed was a handsome blond boy of about sixteen, reading a book under a tree. She was dumbfounded at how good looking he was and felt herself get weak and giddy at the sight of him.

She approached the tree and laid the tray down. “I’m Marigold, I live next door.” He looked up and blushed. “I’m David. Is that for me?” “Well, yes, for you and your family,” she replied nervously. “Why don’t you come sit under this tree and drink it with me?” Marigold smiled and sat down next to him. “I don’t know why,” said David, “But this tree beckoned me immediately. I know it’s on the line between your property and mine so maybe we can share it.” Marigold smiled.

David and Marigold spent many Summer days talking, laughing and falling in love under the tree. Marigold had forgotten all about the day she planted it when it was just a dinky little sappling, but in time, and under no watchful eye (with the exception of the sun’s) its roots had firmly entrenched themselves in the ground and it grew tall, strong, beautiful and content.

THE END.

Always the over-analytical scientist/nerd type, in my investigations I have made a little discovery that I want to share. Like all discoveries, it’s only true if you experience it as such so here goes, and you’re my test audience…

Look for the date closest to your birthdate in this sidereal eclipse calendar. The idea is to find the SOLAR eclipse that occurred before your birthdate (even if it was up to six months before–doesn’t matter). Next to that solar eclipse will be an abbreviation for a sign (AR=Aries, TA=Taurus, GE=Gemini, CN=Cancer, LE=Leo, VI=Virgo, LI=Liba, SC=Scorpio, SG=Sagittarius, CP=Capricorn, AQ=Aquarius, PI=Pisces). That sign would be your soul sign. In other words, while you were in the womb, the vortex of energy created by an eclipse would be transmuted into your essence. So, the sign that that eclipse occurred in would imbue it with certain spiritual traits. Also, it would have to have been a solar eclipse, because solar eclipses occur during the new (invisible) moon, planting seeds (or beginnings).

I’ve written a simple (for Dummies) association with each sign to help you understand the spiritual tasks you’re being called to.

Aries: enthusiasm, leadership, youthful vigor
Taurus: patience, steadiness, planting firm roots that extend slowly
Gemini: communication, exploration of ideas, multiple perspectives
Cancer: nurturing, home space, deep comfort
Leo: creative inspiration, expression of the self, displaying intent outwardly
Virgo: positive structure, working towards things, deeper planning
Libra: harmony, balance, universal love
Scorpio: profoundly intimate investigations, uncovering mysteries beneath
Sagittarius: broadening perspectives, being teacher AND student, having faith
Capricorn: a steady approach, spiritual maturity
Aquarius: free spiritedness, a broad scope of ideas, utopian outlook
Pisces: hope in dreams, honorable love, connecting fantasy and reality

Let me know if any of this rings true. And of course you’ll notice that in many cases, someone of your age whose birthday is near yours will have the same sign. This just proves that spritual paths come in waves at different times, as they are needed to materialize specific facets of life.

The eclipses are over. Mars is out of its unpredictable and maniacal placement alongside Uranus, and in a compatible sign. It’s all good. But beware of Mercury retrograde (from December 17th-January 6th) causing difficulty communicating, computer glitches and general mental fogginess. The good side of it is that you can
resume old projects, talks or friendships, and tidy up as necessary. Check your birthday for your ’scope.

(January 15th-February 12th)
Instead of getting in the holiday spirit by sporting your Santa hat, you’re liable to don your Woody Allen glasses. This is because neurosis plagues your mind over the holidays. You’re getting yourself anxious for no reason. The plus side is you’re seeming very attractive (platonically and sexually) to many people around you at this time. See your friendship circle and professional zone expand and become rather eclectic in the Winter. Just make sure some of those individuals can refer you to a good analyst.

(February 13th-March 13th)
This is going to be a very social season for you as old friends pop back into the picture, and you have a particularly commercial sensibility. Put the two together and it spells a lot of spending in the cards for you and a lot of really appreciative friends on the receiving end. Some of those compadres will be very helpful in launching a new career path for you in the new year, so don’t be afraid to spend a little more than you’d planned on. By the time mid-January rolls around you’ll be the focus of a ton of admiration and attraction. Don’t let it go to your head (or your wallet).

(March 14th-April 13th)
You are a truly warm and sentimental creature and this holiday season you’ll be right in your element, expressing that generosity and romantic nature to all of your adoring fans. Next year sees you playing the role of teacher and guiding others through the hurdles you’ve already jumped over. Look out for new/ old career opportunities to pop up via some holiday party or other. You’ll win career points through your charming personality and warm wit so no need to kiss ass; just show up and be yourself.

(April 14-May 14)
You can finally get back to takin’ care of business this holiday season. For other signs this may sound like a drag but you, of all people, are breathing a sign of relief. The past few months’ experiences have been loopy and sporadic. They may have sent an unfair amount of out-of-town guests descending on you or arguments with those close to you. This season is dedicated to you and your quiet time. You’ll be making personal and career resolutions as well as focusing on finetuning your philosophy on life. Maybe you’ll go back to school next year or travel a lot. It doesn’t matter now as you’re still in the behind-the-scenes phase.

(May 15-June 14)
You are a social creature. This season will demonstrate this to you (and your friends and family) more than ever. Your motivation is to be at the center of a social circle and to get friends together for a jolly good time. You’re particularly passionate about new ideas and will welcome all vantage points into your fold. Don’t be surprised if this open-minded nature brings a new relationship into your life (if single) or sends an existing one onto a new plateau. With Mercury retrograde, old friends will want to hear from you, and you’re in just the right mood to answer their calling.

(June 15-July 15)
This month may see you reuniting with an old friend or business partner and joining forces on a project that you previously abandoned. With the eclipse’s placement last month, it looks like you’re ready for a new routine and will likely organize this collaboration in a splendid manner. I’m seeing you join financial status with this person for optimum rewards. Sometimes, despite our verve and zest for life, we’re just more whole when another person comes around to help us see a different perspective. You’ll be richer (spiritiually and quite possibly literally) for it.

(July 16-August 16)
This is going to be a very toasty season for you as you’re finally warming up to the idea of coupling off. Expect to see romantic sparks fly through the new year–launched by a previous eclipse in your house of love as well as a friendly Venus camping out in your sector of partnerships. What makes this scenario different from the other emotional rollercoasters is that, for some reason, you’re able to rearrange your life properly in January. Take stock of everything, get rid of things and start the year minimalist with your hunka burnin’ love.

(August 17-September 16)
The first part of the holiday season sees you mixin’ and carousin’ with the best of them. Your creativity is surging and ideas and people from your past seem to boost that propensity into overdrive. By January you’ll be primed for some sexual antics, when Venus moves into your house of partnerships. But the general focus is on domestic issues for the first half of the year. A move could be in the cards…perhaps some changes to your existing domestic situation (vis-a-vis roommates, partners, decor). Expect beautiful things to materialize.

(September 17-October 17)
It’s time to get in touch with your feminine side–whether you’re a man or a woman (going on the yin-yang principle). This holiday sees you putting your all into relationships, being fun-loving, communicative and a homebody. You’re the Mrs. Claus of the zodiac right now. There’s nothing that will warm the cockles of your heart more than staying at home with your sweetie or having home gatherings that celebrate your friends and family. The eclipse launched you onto a different communication platform for the months to come, and even with Mercury retrograde this month, you’ll communicate well (at least on the domestic front).

(October 18-November 15)
You’re so tuned into organization this month that you should be dubbed honorary Virgo. All your motivation is going into working hard, keeping your health up and re-organizing your life. There may be little glitches in your mental activities in December but with such high energy going into structure and format, you’ll surely come out of it feeling more secure and capable. A lot of this organization will start in your home. Once you’ve filled the proverbial vacuum bag you’ll see your creativity skyrocket in later January and February. You need to take out the trash to make room for the treasures.

(November 16-December 15)
You had a crazy few months with little rest in the one place you needed it: the home. Maybe you were fighting with your family or not getting along with a roommate, landlord or partner. But now all that’s behind you. You’re filled with directed creativity and love. You’re letting the latter rule (as Lenny Kravitz once suggested) and this is making for great communications. It’s a brand new you that’s emerging and will continue to do so throughout the new year. The first part of 2004 is about reinventing yourself. And this month you’ll do that by focusing on security issues. Don’t worry, it looks like smooth sailing…no spot checks at the airport for you.

(December 16th-January 14th)
Home is where the heart is, huh ‘Sajjy’ baby? This holiday season will be abundant with cliches like this that focus on your nestly, comfortable, warm and cozy dwelling (literally and figuratively). You’re learning about yourself now by learning about where you choose to dwell. This is bringing up old subconscious issues as well as new demands for security. Perfect timing actually, since Mercury retrograde’s placement may make it hard for you to truly express yourself. Stay home, put up your feet, drink a hot toddy and watch The Simple Life.

Not to get too Horowitzian and boring on you, but in the interest of BLOG’s being forums devoted to reporting the truth that isn’t necessarily always reported on TV, here’s my attempt at consumer consciousness. If you’ve
already heard about this then please skip and accept my apologies.

I was recently feeling rundown and nervous all the time. Since insomnia is nothing new for me I didn’t think much of it…until I got sick for the second time in a month. After putting two and two together I realized that because of a bad allergy season, I had been popping a little red pill by the name of Sudafed (Maximum Strength) nasal decongestant almost daily. I got used to being able to breathe easily and pretty much washed it down like it was a vitamin.

Funny how habit makes us ignorant. The major ingredient in this pill is “pseudoephedrine hydrochloride,” otherwise known as the poor man’s crystal meth. You might remember the name ephedrine because a year or so ago there was a big deal made on TV about diet drugs containing this. It was later found that (despite the fact that the diet pills worked) some of their side effects included arythmic heart palpitations and general agitation.

I can tell you right now that this drug affects: appetite (which it suppresses, but not in a good healthy way), mood (remember, kids, Hitler was a speed freak), general coronary health, sleep, libido and hydration (it dehydrates you). The next time you think of purchasing it or any other antihistamine (check the label to make sure it does not contain the above-mentioned ingredient), think again! It’s basically like taking speed…and this is NOT the nineties anymore.