Wow, that title was pretty lame. New Millennium, New Schmillennium. Anyhow, credit to my favorite muse, Jena Cardwell for inspiring these acid aphorisms:

DON’T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE NOT HUNG LIKE ONE

PAYBACK’S A BITCH, BITCH!

Teresa Mayer and I have been friends since I was 16 and she was 19. We both dated loser punk rock musicians from the same band and through this potentially damaging process emerged wiser, moved on, and became good friends. I can at least say that all the lies, cheating and heartache thrown my way were worth it for having become friends with Teresa.

Now, over a decade later, she has grown into an amazing, strong, solid woman who is one of my dearest friends. You can talk about airy fairy things like astrology with her and she doesn’t judge you. Yet, she is incredibly pragmatic. I have never met a person before so gifted in their ability to analyze people’s psychologies. If she was a professional therapist, she’d surely be overbooked.

Teresa is also complex. She’s just as capable of being the “cool girl” you talk with about The Ramones and old rockers, as a gal pal who holds knitting nights at her house. She has shown me that wanting security, marriage and kids is not geeky and retarded. She has put a strong human face on this scary archetype that makes me question my own issues with it.

She’s tough as nails but the kindest, most compassionate friend you’ll ever have.

And, I almost forgot, regarding our early days as punk musicians’ girlfriends, we share the weird commonality of both having songs written about us by members of the same band. Only Teresa’s song is her actual name; I’m so jealous. Our friendship means a lot to me and I look forward to its continued growth. No more musicians for us.

I used to blindly believe in karma. It seemed like the universe’s way of balancing things out. You do something that has negative ramifications, hurt a lot of people, screw people over, etc. so it comes back to you, right? Wrong.

You can in fact be a useless lug (definition: someone who never ceases any of the positive opportunities they are given) yet still more positive opportunities will come your way. You can, for instance, when you’re young, have someone come to your rescue financially or emotionally and then as you grow old still find a way to become embittered by life. One would hope, for the embittered negative person that he/she would eventually get their just dessert for scoffing at opportunity and laughing in the face of kindness. But no, it continues. I’ve seen people pass up some of the most enriching opportunities in their lives because they live their lives with blinders on. This is the true definition of a loser–someone who cannot see the bounty that the universe is giving them in the form of second chances, love, guidance, opportunities. Instead, he/she can only see what they don’t have and will never have–some kind of false sense of financial sucess (an empty victory). So why then is this loser given so many opportunities, only to spit on them while other more appreciative souls wait in starvation?

Apparently, the universe is not just “cause-effecting,” but actually testing the rest of us. Those of us who are awake (maybe 5% of the population) can see this. When “bad things,” for example, happen to “good people,” those good people are being tested with the promise of a carrot. If they succeed in swimming through their trying situations with strength, conviction and hope, then a really big carrot awaits them. “Bad people” don’t see it this way. When good things happen to them they scoff at them. They wait for the “catch,” that something that’s going to prove that there are no good things. Or more often than not they self-sabotage in order to control the situation, proving that yes, after all there was a “catch.” These people thing that the universe owes them, that they should be showered with wealth and all of the false trappings they’ve been brainwashed to desire. When, instead, the universe gives them chances for personal growth, love, expansion of their perspective, they do not deem this worthy.

Personally, I’m tired of dealing with these losers who wait and wait and wait for life to reward them for nothing. They put no work into anything and will never know the gratification of mastering their psyches and spirits. They look for the fast fix–fast money, easy love, etc. They’re weak and cowardly. It is those who remain positive and take chances when they see them who are ultimately the victors, whether or not they own a Jaguar and have a mansion in the Hollywood Hills.

[Now available for syndication via Pulp Syndicate under Astrology]

EAST-MEETS-WEST ASTROLOGY

If you missed that annual TV nag: the JC Penny back-to-school commercial, don’t worry. There will be many other mundane yet necessary flashes to remind you that Fall is here.
Everything begins to feel a bit more heady and internal. The summer rash of drama, when most of the planets were in over-the-top Leo, is over. Four planets are stacked in sidereal Virgo this month. A new moon eclipse on the 13th occurs in the same rational, organized, mental constellation. Adhering to formats, working hard, and keeping up routines are the key issues, setting the tone for rest of the year and the first half of 2005. It’s time to swap your “One of these days I’m gonna get organizized” T-shirt for a “Just Do It!”

Check under your birthdate…

(January 15th-February 12th)
You may think that’s a chair but really it’s just a bunch of molecules. This and other over-the-top but awe-inspiring questions might very well come to mind this month as you launch your philosophical ship into the outer limits. If you’re more of a practical sort this could take the form of interest in foreign places or people. Where the latter are concerned, be wary after mid-month, if you’ve loaned money, given services or share property with friends. A blowout could ruin your lovely little epiphany.

(February 13th-March 13th)
Be open to life’s mysteries and life will reward you by showering you with odd gifts in the form of connections. The deepest of intimacies can only be achieved when you check your over-analytical mind at the doors of perception. This month, as intimacy and ties that bind (financially and emotionally) become the issues, you may learn a thing or two about communicating with partners. It’s not just yap, yap, yap, sometimes it’s just about being present, breathing and saying, “what the hell?”

(March 14th-April 13th)
In some ways you’re a wise, old soul. But in relationships your approach tends to be idealistic, dreamy and, well, naïve. The universe is not going to reprimand you for those traits this month. On the contrary, it’s going to temporarily endow you with the splash of practicality and solidity that you need to kick-start or renew a certain partnership. It’s all about the baby steps. This new moon and October’s relationship-happy tone will set the stage for giant steps in the months to come.

(April 14-May 14)
Jupiter is in Virgo in your 6th house of work and health routines where it’s right at home. Despite your spontaneous nature you will now be able to plan your life and its minutiae not only with ease, but with interest. Around the 13th that energy will find an outlet as you gather together the troops in your life for an organized pow-wow. Group associations are favored now but one-on-one encounters continue to trigger sensitivities or jealousies. In a love-related struggle after mid-month, give in to intensity. You can clean up later.

(May 15-June 14)
Remember back in 2001 when everything seemed somber and serious? The weight of the world was on your shoulders. Finally, your karmic retribution: this month you’ll be dazzled by fun, romance and creative energy. Things will suddenly get a lot lighter, especially on the 21st, your personal power day. The full moon on the 27th may help you creatively explore the dark mysteries of your intuition. Only contention with a domestic partner or family member may temporarily halt the party between the 19th and 23rd.

(June 15-July 15)
There’s no place like home. But what is “home,” the concept, that is? You’re usually amenable to concepts and theories. But you can’t talk this way out of this one. October forces you to examine the idea of “hearth” in a jump-start way. If you’re bullheaded the door to your house of home will slam in your face. If you’re open to learning something new without over-analyzing, at month’s end you may find part of the answer or cure via your friendships or group associations.

(July 16-August 16)
There will be so much ‘chatter’ going on in your life this month that the Feds may mistake you for an Al Qaeda operative. Most of this is tied to a career scenario-especially in publishing, law, education, spirituality or philosophy-that started brewing last month. Mid-month as your finances finally get squared away, you could be ready to take a big step into some serious career/finance opportunities that will last you through 2005. The new moon on the 13th introduces the theme of communicating your emotions.

(August 17-September 16)
All you people gather round. That’s your mantra for October. Strength and security in numbers is your theme. You’ll start to dip your toe into the pool of past issues this Fall, in preparation for greater exploration in the second part of next year. For now there is a sense that spiritual or therapeutic groups or “families” (of the non-Manson variety) could help, especially around the 23rd. There may be tension on the domestic/family front in the days leading up to that cathartic connection.

(September 17-October 17)
If you’ve ever felt that the world was crazy and you were sane, you’re about to get some much-anticipated backup. After a year of being in the backseat, this month will see you go from zero to sixty. What you say goes. Only between the 9th and 11th you may behave like a big, bratty baby and say something that your psyche should have censored. Overall, it is all about you. Just watch out that you don’t piss off those little props around you known as “mere homo-sapiens.”

(October 18-November 15)
Your psychological makeup might be getting in the way of partnerships. It’s time for an Extreme internal Makeover. Start jumping up and down and screaming, you’ve been chosen. October opens your eyes to the hidden agendas of your emotions, impulse behavior and your past. After some security (or rather insecurity) tangles, the week of the 24th brings your release. Be open to higher consciousness and you will gain higher ground by the 28th. You’re tender and raw now but plow through and your ‘reveal’ will be amazing.

(November 16-December 15)
On the weekend of the 8th, take a deep breath and let it all go, all that struggling for control that’s put your knickers in a twist. This month you’re blessed with the universe’s bounty, the quicker-picker-upper of cosmic gifts. It starts mid-month with a new moon in your house of hopes and dreams. This is also your sector of friends and groups. You will receive the most benefits through these avenues. Just navigate cautiously through work issues around the 23rd. Don’t take it personally. Just make sure co-workers back you up.

(December 16th-January 14th)
This month launches you on a year-long career cycle that will culminate with the rarely spoken Donald words, “You’re Hired!” Expect fanfare and bells going off. For now, though you must deal with initial tensions between your personal creative drives and needs, and the views of the people in charge of the bigger picture. This may incite your fiery temper mid-month, but at month’s end a creative solution that will make everybody happy will sweep over you as dramatically as The Donald’s comb-over.