Image: Fiscal porn - the hot hot hot Euro

The latest talk around the (hormone-infused) water cooler, or in my case the local coffee spot, is the weakness of the Dollar vis-a-vis the Euro. As of today, according to Reuters, the Dollar has fallen to record lows against the Euro. The last I checked–and I’m checking every hour because I’m off to Amsterdam in the near future–the all-mighty Old Country currency was worth $1.7 U.S. Pesos (as I’m now calling our has-been currency). Yesterday, Reuters damn near killed me with the shocker:

“The U.S. dollar’s value is dropping so fast against the euro that small currency outlets in Amsterdam are turning away tourists seeking to sell their dollars for local money while on vacation in the Netherlands.”

Imagine, the notoriously hard-fisted Dutch saying, “you’re money’s no good here” and meaning it!

At my coffee corner, Lilly, our matron of Java, joked that she might decide to only accept Euros (or Euro, singular, as the Euros plural, call it).

There’s nothing more limp an desperate at the moment than the American Peso, and nothing sexier and more powerful than the all-mighty Euro, whose sheer mention now has an aphrodisiacal effect. One girl friend of mine was discussing a European guy we both know and touting his appeal, “He’s makin’ Euros!” Hey, don’t knock it, entreprenEuros are the latest “catches” of the global dating scene. And American women like myself will sadly soon be North American Melania’s and Ivana’s, hocking our whorish wares in the E.U. in hopes of catching sugar vaders, papas and peres.

“Hey, if the dollar keeps going down,” I told one Dutch friend of mine who I will soon see on my trip, “I will end up spending my trip to Amsterdam standing in a window.”

I suspect that the Euro will soon replace the Dollar as a cocaine utensil as well. It only makes sense. Can you imagine that final scene in Scarface with a wealthy, corrupt and over-the-top Al Pacino, snorting piles of coke with a rolled up Peso? Just doesn’t have the same opulent ring to it, now does it?

The same goes for strippers who will certainly scoff at some chubby desperate hand attempting to stuff dollars in their undies. The Euro is sure to go places…dark, wet places to be exact.

Similarly, I would imagine that briefcase companies like Samsonite and such will not want to endure the negative branding of having suitcases be filled with dollars for gambling and hostage exchanges. They will have to be packed with the sexy and virile Euro.

We Americans can laugh at their rainbow colored cash. We can snicker that its name, Euro, sounds like a guy who wears leather pants in the summer, smokes Gitanes and liberally uses the word “lover.” But, thanks to 8 years of Bush, they’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.

But the pot of gold at the other end of this rainbow-colored cash are the small business opportunities for the enterprising and resourceful. I envision a web-based charitable organization, Adopt-an-American, geared at philanthropic Europeans. For their payment (in Euros, of course), they will receive photos and letters (unless you have adopted an illiterate person) from their adopted American, a plump burger-slinging bastard who, rest assured, without them would be unable to over-feed himself on corn syrup, fried foods and pharmaceutical water. The plus is that now they can adopt Sally Struthers.

Posted by Shana Ting Lipton