Our hand-shaking, pulse-quickening, tummy-tingling story starts back in 1886 in Atlanta, Georgia, where a man by the name of John Pemberton invents a beverage known as Coca-Cola. The tasty treat’s secret ingredient is a miniscule amount of cocaine (China White, Mother of Pearl, Ivory Flake, if you’re Grandmaster Flash). They put a cap on that Pandora’s box in 1906 (the same year as the big San Francisco quake–a coincidence that both caused trembling? Perhaps not…).

That’s when Coke was just Coke, ‘the real thing,’ and not the thing that causes you to end up in a subterranean gimp cage with a bunch of urban vampires and Rick James at six o’clock in the morning. Anyway, ‘coke’ the powdered substance may have died in soft drink form that year but Coke the name became catchy and a sort of wink-wink-nudge-nudge nod to the soft drink’s prior hard status.

But through the years as our culture of haste and impatience continues to grow, so has the speedy soft drink industry. We’ve seen a parade of these wanton temptresses with that cool ’sweat’ coating their cans, with their beckoning, ‘come hither…now now now now!!!’ catchphrases and exclamations.

In 1985, a new soft drink was invented so non-cokeheads wouldn’t feel left out of the ’80s snow fest. Jolt Cola was “all the sugar, twice the caffeine,” and boasted a big gold lightening bolt logo worthy of gracing a cut-up sweatshirt worn by Jennifer Beals.

In 2003, the Brits got in on the action with Red Bull, an energy drink with twice the caffeine of Coke and some added fatigue combatants like Taurine. Chic, slender and wing-providing, Red Bull started as the sophisticate’s version of the common man’s energy drink (although in Europe it was more like club glug).

About a year later the inventors of cocaine (well, practically) the Peruvians came up with their own flashy beverage–KDrink. It contained 0.6 milligrams of coca leaves (the base ingredient in cocaine). Only in Peru…apparently. Because in the U.S. Rockstar hit the stage. This energy drink intimated that it could make you perform (in more ways than one…see Mick Jagger) like a rock star, day and night. It’s even product placed in the Girls Gone Wild videos and has joined forces to throw parties with Penthouse magazine. Still, don’t sell your stock in Viagra just yet.

So, if these drinks hadn’t hit rock bottom enough–having (like Rockstar) practically descended to the level of soft drink crack whore, another bev has hit the markets–much to the dismay of lawmakers…but to my joy. The reason I say ‘joy’ is that finally SOMEONE is calling a spade a spade–or in this case, a soft drink Cocaine. That’s right, you may have heard hushed murmurings from your local dealer at the grocery store about this heavyweight. The drink should come with a purple hat with a pink feather in it and an Ike Turner sticker. Instead, it’s something of an imitation of its grandfather’s packaging–bright red with white lettering. One peculiar (hmmm) graphic touch is that the lettering is, shall we say, bumpy…not unlike lines of cocaine. Not that I would know personally but I have it on authority…ask the current president.

According to the lead in the New York Times story that ran last week:

“Outraged New York City lawmakers denounced the manufacturer of a new, highly caffeinated soft drink called Cocaine yesterday and called for a boycott of the beverage, saying it glamorized an illegal and deadly stimulant that has ravaged families and neighborhoods since the epidemic of the 1980’s.”

Interesting, so it takes the actual name Cocaine to get lawmakers’ pulse racing. Like Coke, Jolt, Red Bull, KDrink and Rockstar weren’t enough. So Cocaine gets to take the wrap for the rest of them street urchins. What a slap in the face! What an indignity! That’s like Clarence Thomas modifying his famous line to, “There’s a pubic hair in my Cocaine.” Sort of adds insult to injury. Gulp.

Posted by Shana Ting Lipton